First Love Hurts

Posted: April 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

I do enjoy being in a relationship, even though it can sometimes be difficult.  There was a time when I swore I would never fall in love and never live happily ever after but things always change in life.  You just have to deal with it.

This isn’t the first time I’ve fallen in love.  The first time it happened was brutal.  I know now that if I had to do it all over again, I’d change everything about that first time.  She was beautiful.  Much younger than me and way more free spirited.  I don’t know what attracted me first because now that I look back at it, she wasn’t all that good looking.  I guess it was that she was who I wanted to be.  She wasn’t shy, she was popular and she had everything going for her in life.  I wanted to hang on to that relationship with locks and chains.  However, nothing progressed further than friendship and even the friendship didn’t last for very long.  I tried to hold on to her by emailing when it wasn’t welcomed and calling just to hear her voice but with nothing to say.

It took a long time for me to move on from her but I’m glad I did.  It would have never worked out between us anyway.  She’s the kind of person that can’t sit still for more than five minutes and has to have people around her constantly while I’m more of a loner.  I relish any chance I can to be alone.

Who’s to say we won’t be friends again in the future.  I don’t care either way.  I mean, she is a nice person so I wouldn’t mind being friends but she can’t let go of the experience we’ve been through and I caused a lot of damage.  I can’t say I blame her.  I find it hard to forgive sometimes too.  There is one thing I do believe though, you have to prove to someone that you’ve changed and you have to do something with your life that says you’ve changed.  I believe I have done that.  I got off the drugs, I don’t drink as much and I finally got a head on my shoulders.

It’s been ten years now since that time.  I do still think about her but not in the same way.  Mostly I think if she could only see me the way I am now, her opinion of me would be so different.  We have some of the same friends so I don’t see how she can’t.  We had some of the same friends.  I suppose the ones I still talk to she doesn’t.  I’m fine with that.  Those years had been clouded by darkness and it was a very difficult time for me.  It was hard to adjust and I didn’t do it very well.  I’m different now.  I’m much better now.

People like that never leave our minds.  It’s a curse.  You fucked up their lives so now you are cursed with random thoughts of them when you least expect it.  I’d like to tell her a few things like fuck you and you ruined me just as much as I ruined you.  I could write a whole book on the things I want to say to her.  Feelings of love have definitely turned to feelings of hate.  I know she’s out there doing well and I know she still thinks I’m living a crap life.  It’s too bad.  We could have turned into good friends.

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