Posted: April 22, 2011 in Uncategorized

A lot of people have a problem with my assertiveness when it comes to my blogs.  There are many of mine out there that I visit once in a while, tweak but never feel satisfied with and I know I’ll never be completely happy with what I write just like no one will be fully satisfied with what I say.  Get over it.

There’s this assumption, I think, that people write blogs for the sole purpose of gaining some kind of purpose to their already shitty lives.  They want people, complete strangers, to say everything is okay and the world isn’t that big, scary place you think it is.  People just assume that everyone will make them feel better.  Everyone’s comments will be fluffy bunnies and butterflies.

You’re wrong.

When you write your heart and soul onto the plastic box in front of you don’t expect people to care.  There are few that do.  It’s all fake.  The caring words are fake.  The smiles are fake.  Everything is fake.

So why do we get so upset when someone writes the truth in those little comment spaces?  Is it because you knew what the truth was but just couldn’t accept it?  Are you afraid that your deepest, most inner secrets are going to be exposed?  Ripped off like a band-aid.  It hurts.  This is what life is, people.  Life is full of pain and fear and suffering.  You will never be satisfied with what people say to you and every time one of those comments comes to light and you see how fucking true it is, you get on the defensive and you retaliate.

Speak up and say what’s on your mind but do it in a constructive way.  Take your life by the cunt and feel it up a good deal.  See what you get.

First Love Hurts

Posted: April 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

I do enjoy being in a relationship, even though it can sometimes be difficult.  There was a time when I swore I would never fall in love and never live happily ever after but things always change in life.  You just have to deal with it.

This isn’t the first time I’ve fallen in love.  The first time it happened was brutal.  I know now that if I had to do it all over again, I’d change everything about that first time.  She was beautiful.  Much younger than me and way more free spirited.  I don’t know what attracted me first because now that I look back at it, she wasn’t all that good looking.  I guess it was that she was who I wanted to be.  She wasn’t shy, she was popular and she had everything going for her in life.  I wanted to hang on to that relationship with locks and chains.  However, nothing progressed further than friendship and even the friendship didn’t last for very long.  I tried to hold on to her by emailing when it wasn’t welcomed and calling just to hear her voice but with nothing to say.

It took a long time for me to move on from her but I’m glad I did.  It would have never worked out between us anyway.  She’s the kind of person that can’t sit still for more than five minutes and has to have people around her constantly while I’m more of a loner.  I relish any chance I can to be alone.

Who’s to say we won’t be friends again in the future.  I don’t care either way.  I mean, she is a nice person so I wouldn’t mind being friends but she can’t let go of the experience we’ve been through and I caused a lot of damage.  I can’t say I blame her.  I find it hard to forgive sometimes too.  There is one thing I do believe though, you have to prove to someone that you’ve changed and you have to do something with your life that says you’ve changed.  I believe I have done that.  I got off the drugs, I don’t drink as much and I finally got a head on my shoulders.

It’s been ten years now since that time.  I do still think about her but not in the same way.  Mostly I think if she could only see me the way I am now, her opinion of me would be so different.  We have some of the same friends so I don’t see how she can’t.  We had some of the same friends.  I suppose the ones I still talk to she doesn’t.  I’m fine with that.  Those years had been clouded by darkness and it was a very difficult time for me.  It was hard to adjust and I didn’t do it very well.  I’m different now.  I’m much better now.

People like that never leave our minds.  It’s a curse.  You fucked up their lives so now you are cursed with random thoughts of them when you least expect it.  I’d like to tell her a few things like fuck you and you ruined me just as much as I ruined you.  I could write a whole book on the things I want to say to her.  Feelings of love have definitely turned to feelings of hate.  I know she’s out there doing well and I know she still thinks I’m living a crap life.  It’s too bad.  We could have turned into good friends.

Weekend at Bernie’s

Posted: April 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

I’m really looking forward to having a weekend alone.  Really looking forward to it.  However, I don’t have anything to do for the three days it’s just me.  I suppose I could watch movies all weekend as there are a bunch that I wouldn’t get to watch otherwise.  Still, that seems rather boring to watch movies for three days.  I could go for coffee but that’s not really something I could not do even when I wasn’t alone.  I could spend the entire weekend in my underwear but we have a leather couch so I don’t think that would be feasible.

I could do whatever I want so why is it I can’t think of anything to do.  I don’t want friends over.  I don’t want relatives over.  I just want me.  Heck, if it was really up to me I’d send the dogs to a kennel so I could really be alone.

The other day I did make myself a schedule of what I wanted to do just so I wouldn’t be sitting for long periods wondering what I could do.  There’s a lot of movie watching that I’d like to replace with other things but I have a feeling that I’m just going to do a lot of the same that I do every weekend.  Video games and movies.  What’s the fun in that?

This bites.


Posted: April 21, 2011 in Uncategorized

I am extremely introverted.

I spend most of my day writing blogs about my menial life hoping that someone out there will engage me in conversation because I’m scared to death of talking to anyone face to face.  How did I get through life being like this?  It’s a mystery.

Even as a kid I found it hard to talk to people I didn’t know.  That could have been a good or a bad thing.   It was good in the sense that I didn’t talk to strangers but bad because I bottled everything up inside.  Strangers aren’t who we have to be afraid of, it’s those that are closest to us.

Some might say I have anxiety issues.  I might agree with them.  Meeting someone knew means my heart races, I get stomach cramps, I get sweaty and my whole body goes tense.  I think to myself the person won’t like me or I’ll do something stupid and they’ll think I’m an idiot.  I strive to gain their approval when I don’t need to and when they already approve of me.

Trying new things freaks me out too.  I hate starting a new job but not for the reasons you might think.  Everyone is nervous on their first day of work but my nerves get so bad that I would rather not go in.  Then it all starts again.  I think people are going to see me as a doufus, my body gets all sweaty, sometimes I can’t get the words out of my mouth or I’ll think something I say is really intelligent but it’s not.  I think people are just waiting for me to screw up and this is even when I go buy a carton of milk.

It’s not that I don’t want to go anywhere, I have a paralyzing fear of going to unfamiliar places.  I will make up excuse after excuse why I can’t go.  Sometimes I just have to force myself to go because I don’t have any other choice.  I have to pay the rent.  I have to eat.

I know that if I could, I’d stay in the house all the time.  I used to long for time with friends but not anymore.  Now it’s a chore to have them over so I just don’t bother.  Plus I don’t have a lot of friends because I’m so introverted.  I think it’s becoming a problem but when has someone like me ever gone for help on their own?